It’s been a week since I got engaged and I couldn’t be more happier…
You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, but I was 19 when I first got married and it was an arranged marriage.
Living in different countries and engaged for only six months before we got married, I didn’t get to know him well.
After 10 days of our marriage, I found out that he has a huge short temper and he doesn’t get along as much with his parents.
We lived with his parents for the first 10 years of our marriage(joint family Indian tradition). His parents were very authoritative and controlling.
After a lot of arguments and disagreements we finally moved out and got our own place. Our marriage continued to deteriorate, there was verbal abuse and some physical abuse.
I lived in a toxic marriage, tolerating verbal and physical abuse for 22 yrs.
Anger, drama, tension and arguing were an everyday thing.
I had a great job, my financial situation was good and yet when it came to my emotions I was codependent.
I couldn’t muster up the courage to leave the marriage. I was not confident enough that I will be able to survive on my own.
Even though it was a toxic relationship it felt safe because I knew what to expect. The outside world of freedom was scary and unknown.
In fact, 10 years back, I actually picked up the phone and called an attorney to file for divorce.
A few days later I backed off because I didn't have the courage to leave that marriage and move on.
I was codependent and tried to please him . This codependency was not only with my then husband but also with my friends, they defined me.
This is one of the reasons why I backed off from filing the divorce 10 years back - I did not know if I would fit into the society.
Will my friends accept me? What would my parents say, how would it be like for my kids…etc. etc.
And that fear kept me stuck, and kept me in the marriage for four or five more years.
I heard the phrase you’re “Generous to a fault” several times from my friends”
I was a chronic pleaser, I put everyone else before me.
Pleasing to get entry in the “cool girls” club. Always trying to fit in and be somebody who I'm not.
With my husband the situation kept getting worse and arguments kept increasing. My son who was 15 then told me, “Why don’t you leave him? Why are you tolerating this behavior?” He would leave to go study in the library because he didn’t know when we would start fighting.
That’s when I realized that my kids were miserable and this marriage was harming them.
I realized that I wasn’t setting a good example to my kids.
I was telling my son that it’s ok for a man to be disrespectful and abusive to his wife. She will never leave him and will tolerate the bad behavior.
And I was sending a message to my daughter that it is ok for a man to be disrespectful and be abusive to you.
Because of this anger, stress and tension, I developed hypothyroidism. I also developed severe pelvic pain, my body was ailing.
I started realizing how stuck I felt, that's when I took the first step to prepare myself to step out of the marriage.
The very first book that helped me take the bold step was a book called Hostage at the Table by George Kohlrieser.
This book gave me the courage to take the first step to prepare myself to break the chains of being in a toxic relationship.
I wanted to show up for who I was and not try to be somebody that my husband or my friends wanted me to be.
Or do things so my friends would accept me, or to be part of who's who.
In 2013 April I had a talk with my husband that I could no longer live like this and that I wanted a divorce. In September 2013 he moved out.
So after being in the marriage for 22 years and tolerating all kinds of bullshit I said enough is enough.
I was 42 when I got divorced, my son was 16 and my daughter was 11.
In my 40’s being a single mom my dating saga started…
I entered the dating world for the first time ever and boy was it a challenge.
Things were not the best for me.
I went from one dating relationship to the other wondering why the hell this is not working out for me? What am I doing wrong?
I knew I wanted to show up as my authentic self. I knew I deserved more. I wanted a deep loving relationship and marriage, and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong.
I was done wasting time and trying to figure out things for myself.
So I went online and I Googled love and relationship coaches. And I went on to hire a love and relationship coach for myself.
I learnt the tools and techniques to attract that grand love, the man with whom I can show up in my true self.
Be my authentic self and not have to twist and turn into a pretzel to please him.
A whole new world opened up for me once I started doing the deep inner work.
I had no knowledge of masculine and feminine energy.
I didn't know how romantic relationships work. Or that I had limiting beliefs. I hadn’t even heard these words.
Being a successful professional woman I handled dating like I handled a project at work. I was in my masculine in my dating…
I would:
plan dates
drive to men
start contact
get them gifts
pay 50-50 on dates
sleep with men too soon because I thought that’s what men wanted to connect.
I made every mistake in the book and I would wonder why men would disappear. I got the “You’re a nice woman but I think we should just be friends.” comment a lot.
I was settling for crumbs. I thought I loved myself but I realized I didn’t.
I had zero boundaries because I didn’t want men to run away.
When I started this work I realized how much in my masculine I was in my relationships.
I realized I didn’t have good relationship models growing up. My mom was so masculine in her relationship with my dad.
There were frequent arguments in my house growing up, my parents loved each other but they fought a lot too. I guess they have a love/hate relationship.
I had too many limiting beliefs and I didn’t know how loving relationships worked. I had the Nice Girl Syndrome and was a chronic overgiver in every relationship in my life.
I looked for other people for my happiness and to validate me. I didn't love myself and was not a complete person in myself.
Fast forward to NOW: I am a completely different woman than I was when I started this work.
I’m a feminine QUEEN.
My family takes pride in me.
My kids think I’m a good role model for them. I’m teaching all I have learnt to my daughter who is 16 now so she doesn’t have to struggle in love and in life like I did.
I practice healthy boundaries in all areas of my life.
Abundance is flowing in every area of my life and love feels easy.
Last week the man I have been dating for a 1 ½ years went down on his knees, at the beautiful Butchart Gardens in Victoria, B.C. . He proposed to me and asked me to marry him.
He can’t wait for us to get married, when he proposed to me, he had a wedding date picked out. We are getting married on February 2nd, 2020 in a beautiful castle.
He treats me like a queen and showers me with his attention, affection and love.
I created this life for myself in my late 40s. All this while being a single mom with two teenage kids and having a successful corporate career.
While doing this inner work I realized that Coaching is my calling.
It has become my passion.
After years of disappointment I want nothing more than to spread what I have learned. It's my passion to help as many professional women as possible change their love life. To help them attract a more fulfilling love that keeps giving.
When people look at me, they feel that I am lucky in love. I was born with this knack of relationships, and that relationships and love come naturally to me. Though it may look so from the outside, you now know, that's not true.
It took deep inner work for me to get to where I am today and I can help you do the same.
Book your complimentary 30 minute session today and let me help you get started on your Journey to Love.
https://www.soniamora.com/schedule-appointment/
Love,
Soni
xo