Healing Trauma - How Past Trauma Showed Up In My Life Recently?
Transparency is important to me when coaching.
The truth about my own journey often is the medicine for my readers, clients and podcast community.
If I spiritually bypass it all as “easy” and ”be positive” then you may think you’re doing it wrong on your path.
I’m here to remind you that you’re not doing it wrong, the key is staying open to growth. 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐮𝐩 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐢𝐭, 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐢𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬.
One thing I probably don’t share often enough is money, and how it plays out in relationships and my own trauma around money.
I know a lot of us have our stories around money and conditioning around money so I want to talk about it.
In my first marriage there was a lot of abuse, and abuse isn’t just physical. It is also:
Intimidation
Throwing/Breaking things
Punching walls
Name Calling
Mimicking and mocking you
Yelling at you frequently
Putting you down
Controlling Access to finances
Isolating you from friends and family
I have healed from most of my trauma and abuse from my first marriage and I just recently realized I was holding on to so much trauma around money.
I got married when I was 19, so I was still growing up and having an abundance mindset around money was not present with my ex-husband and his family in spite of being wealthy.
I realized fairly soon in that marriage that if I wanted anything for myself I would have to work for it and still had to justify why I was spending the money and where I was spending it even though I had a six figure income.
From buying a new house to decorating it, to buying a luxury car all this only happened because I worked my ass for it.
Along the way, I created certain beliefs that have revealed themselves in my life in the last couple of weeks:
My worth is tied to how much money I make. I have to be making “X” amount of $$ for my opinion to matter in my house.
I cannot rely on anyone for my financial needs, I have totally been shut down to receive money from other sources.
I don’t matter if I am not bringing in money.
I will be controlled by a man if I am not financially independent.
After the divorce I had no one to fall back on for financial support so these beliefs got further deep rooted.
In the last 7 years I have single handedly supported myself and my kids and built my heart centered business all while working in a soul sucking job which paid my bills but gave me no pleasure.
So when COVID hit last year and I lost my job I decided to go for my passion. for my dream and focus 100% on coaching and grow my business to help thousands of women rise in love.
As I work on growing my business and make myself seen in the coaching world I have been facing certain financial challenges which have me spiraling down and have me questioning my path. The last few weeks were filled with fear and doubt.
Even though I now have a loving and caring husband I have been caged in my own beliefs that my finances are my responsibility and I have to figure it out all on my own. We have been married for a little over a year and I never talked to him about finances or asked for help.
I have been shut down to receiving money from him, receiving his support financially. When he saw me in pain last week he finally after months of observing told me “You know, you’re not alone in this. you know we’re married and you don’t have to figure it all out. You’re going to be fine and you have nothing to worry about.”
That opened my eyes and made me realize I have been a prisoner of my own beliefs, the beliefs I shared with you earlier. I had gotten to a place of not feeling in control of my life and that I will loose my place of authority and that was driving me crazy.
If I can’t be open to receiving money from my husband, how can I receive money from other sources. I now know I have a lot of healing to do around my money trauma which I have been carrying with me since my first marriage.
I am learning to trust that my husband has my back and I don’t have to go through life on my own and that it is safe for me to let go of my false beliefs.
I know it’s going to take a lot of inner work for me to heal these wounds. And that’s okay. I accept myself in all of it.
I am creating new ways of being with money and opening myself up to receiving money, from ground zero. I’m proud of that, grateful for it.
Being in a relationship stretches you. And I’m grateful for it.
I’ve married an amazing man who loves me unconditionally and supports my passion and my dreams. I have a beautiful life with him, yet still there are days where all the old wounds show up and things feel overwhelming, straight up hard days.
And that’s okay. It’s part of the experience.
I share this to normalize the process. Social media is full of wins, positivity, high vibes and I am all about that!
And I am also a coach that wants you to remember in the hard parts, there’s nothing wrong with you.
I also share this to show you that healing never stops, it is a life long process. If you wait to heal before going out to date or before getting in a relationship you’ll never get there. Being in a relationship, dating and being exposed to certain situations is what brings healing.
We are all a work in progress and a masterpiece all at the same time.
What matters is how we meet those “hard” days, our willingness to evolve and love.
Continue to show up to with an open heart with a willingness to communicate. Healing is happening, miracles are unfolding.
And don’t wait to find love till you have healed, love will heal you.
This is the “work” that liberates all involved. You, your children, your lineage.
It’s worth it!!
xoxo, Soni
P.S. I am currently enrolling for my mastermind, Say “I Do” To You: Learn To Wife Your Life. It is an intimate mastermind for 8 women who are ready to get solid in their relationship to themself and in the process attract an amazing man in their life.